What do you know about being a friend? Benjamin Franklin looked into the eyes of other signers of the Declaration of Independence and affirmed their solidarity in defiance of the King’s tyranny. “We must hang together, or surely we shall hang separately.”
Some guy named Anonymous shared his insight by saying, “Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice.”
Winnie the Pooh offers great advice for making connections with people. “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
And, my favorite writer CS Lewis, comes up with one essential ingredient to making new friends:
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
There are 10 specific references to character or wisdom related to friendship in Proverbs. It teaches us how to deal with the failures of others, how to show loyalty, and how to help other’s grow in Christ. Proverbs 17.9 gives us a lesson through contrast.
Whoever covers an offense seeks love, BUT he who repeats a matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17.9
What’s the main idea? It teaches us that how we respond to the faults of others reveals whether or not we have compassion. The contrast is between “he who covers over an offense” (ḵāsâ ) of a friend and the one who “repeats” (shoneh ) the news about it.
When you see the word “covers,” you might think of idea of sheltering or concealing, and that is partly right, but the word has a deeper inference. The Hebrew word, ḵāsâ, implies covering or clothing or concealing. By Genesis 9.18, Noah developed an alcohol problem. One night, he became drunk and passed out in his tent without any clothing. Two of his sons, Shem and Japheth, discovered what happened and responded.
Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered (ḵāsâ) the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned backward, and they did not see their father’s nakedness. Genesis 9.23
Covering their father’s nakedness gesture was meant to protect his dignity despite the consequence of his embarrassing behavior.
Yet, while ḵāsâ does mean to cover, the literal definition of the word means to fill up hollow space. We could also take from that meaning that a person, who covers someone’s offense, becomes what’s missing. Noah risked becoming an undignified leader in a new world, who lost face because of his mistake. Shem and Japheth, quite literally, protected and reassembled their father’s dignity.
The one, who covers another’s offense, who fills up the void, who heals, is the one who has love and compassion. And, sometimes what we need in a friend is a painful encounter, who confronts and holds us accountable.
In contrast, he who repeats a matter separates close friends. Repeat (šhānâ) meant to duplicate or double, but not necessarily in exactness. It could mean to repeat something, but disguise it or alter some of the details, or worse, embellish it. In other words, the one, who can’t let it go, but continues to talk about it will eventually divide even the best of friends.
Repeaters and gossips risk becoming relationally toxic and divisive. They create unsafe places for broken people, who live with intense, personal shame, by constantly and creatively (and manipulatively) rehearsing the story.
Love covers. The art of friendship is found in learning to become what someone needs in the midst of shame and offense. Our example is Christ. Our goal is bringing others, both to know Him and to become like Him.